Preparing to Launch . . . How to Connect to
Your College Student

By Melissa Carman, Ph.D., Staff Therapist, Syracuse University Counseling Center

Sending your student off to college can be an extremely stressful process. As you think about dropping your student off at SU, you may feel conflicting emotions of excitement and the pangs of loss as well. It is likely that your student feels conflicting excitement and anxiety too. Your roles and relationship are about to change, and this can make for some intense interactions. How you connect with your student before he or she leaves is important. Trying to get on the same page will help prevent misunderstandings and will open the lines of communication for conversations on the horizon.

College presents a new set of expectations and opportunities, and the risk of possible conflict between you and your student increases tremendously when you and your student differ in your expectations and are unable to discuss these issues. Research shows that discrepancies between you and your student regarding expectations are normal, but being able to talk about these differences in a respectful and supportive way can lead to your student adjusting better to college, being more socially engaged, and achieving more academically.

There are several topics that will be beneficial for you to discuss with your student before he or she leaves for school. For example, you might want to identify a plan for staying in touch. It is likely going to be helpful for you and your student to figure out how important decisions are going to be made, such as with regard to your student’s major or finances. You might be dreading that last goodbye, so it might be helpful for you to discuss how you plan to arrange the actual drop off day and at what point you will plan to leave.  It’s not important that you try to get through all of these issues in one sitting; rather, think of this process as one that is ongoing and a way to open up communication throughout the school year. Although these topics are important and beneficial to discuss, as far as your relationship is concerned, how you talk about these issues is as important as the topics themselves.

Listen. Both you and your student are likely to be anxious about the upcoming departure and transition into a new experience. Ask your student how he or she feels about this. Try to listen to your student’s anxieties without minimizing or judging. Although it is important for you to share your anxieties, feelings, and thoughts as well, be careful to not let your concerns about the upcoming transition dominate the conversation. Think about your hopes, fears, and expectations for college and encourage your student to do the same. Ask your student why he or she really wants to attend college. Then, simply listen to what your student has to say. Share your own thoughts and feelings, even if they differ from your student. Try to identify commonalities and remember that you and your student are on the same team, even though it may not always feel like it.

Negotiate. There may be certain scenarios in which you have very specific expectations. It is important that you make these clear and communicate them upfront to your student. For example, if you expect a daily phone check-in, or that your student is under no circumstances to get his or her own credit card, you need to be very concrete about this with your student. However, it is also important that you recognize your own assumptions and biases. Your student is an emerging adult and may no longer feel that it is appropriate to meet these expectations. It might make you feel anxious to think about how much your student wants to be in control at this point, but it is important for you to be open to negotiating new rules. If you to try to enforce your previous rules, it is possible that your student is going to shut down.

Further, college is a turbulent place and a lot of what happens cannot be anticipated. Thus, it is important to remember that there needs to be room for flexibility, change, and growth.  Even if a plan that you’ve agreed on does not seem to be working out during the first few weeks, open up the conversation again. Try to get on the same page again. As hard as it may be, stay open to negotiation, as this is representative of the changing roles in your relationship. 

Trust. Your student is going to have to make multiple decisions everyday.  It is important for you to trust the judgment of your student to make many of these decisions (even if he or she makes a mistake and has to learn this the hard way). It is also important for your student to know that he or she has your support. Express confidence in your student, and try to avoid problem solving. This not only helps your student to foster decision making skills, but also leads to improved self-esteem.  Trust that your student is capable of making this transition successfully and communicate this often to him or her. Perhaps most importantly, when your student feels like he or she can trust you, your student is more likely to seek your input, guidance, and support in stressful situations.

It may sound like a lot of work to manage your own feelings in order to simply listen to your student, engage in ongoing negotiations, and trust your student to make decisions, but the connection that you and your student will be forming in the process can provide the foundation for your new relationship. My hope for you and your student is a successful transition into your new roles with the knowledge that as you let go and talk about these difficult topics, you are learning to connect in new and different ways.

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For more information on communicating and connecting with your college student, look for the Counseling Center’s table under the Taking Care of Business Tent at Orientation. Also, if you would like more in depth information, please consider joining us for a seminar being held during Family Weekend on Saturday, October 24. Call the Counseling Center at (315) 443-4715 for details.